Why Ultimate Discs?
Ultimate discs exist to make a DJ's life easier and their
presentation a whole lot better. When we say DJ, you can read Mixer, Karaoke
Jock, Radio Presenter, basically anyone who presents music in one form
or another. Ultimate's discs are so varied in their content that
there is something for everyone, and the range is constantly expanding.
The can be used by Mobile DJs, Bedroom Mixers, Fun Pub DJs, Studios, Remixers,
Radio Stations, and Club Jocks.
Ultimate Discs - are they good value?
Because of the care taken in creating Ultimate Discs, they do
not go out of date. They will be used for many years after initial purchase.
Furthermore, with an average of 150 tracks on the discs, the cost of each
track is only about 14p.
Who
creates Ultimate's CDs?
Unlike most other companies, Ultimate write, record, produce,
release, and distribute 99% of the material on the discs. Because of this,
it is the world's biggest collection of material written specially
for DJs by DJs. From concept to final disc, every aspect of use is thought
through.
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Just
what exactly is a jingle?
'Jingle'
- is this one of the most misunderstood words in DJ circles? We've
tried over many years to think of a better way to describe what we do, but
there's not really a generic term that suits it any better. Hot Drops,
Dance Inserts, Toolkits, Presenter Series, Sample Kits, Power Songs, - you
name it, we've probably thought of it. Come to think of it, we've
probably released it! We use the term jingle to describe a track that is
used by DJs away from their main music programming, usually for increased
impact and professionalism.
What
will Ultimate discs do for me?
Ultimate discs enhance your presentation, give you access to essential
material, and add that final 'polish' to your performance. They
give you the edge that makes audiences notice, and make you look even more
professional.
What's on Ultimate discs?
From 6 minute song medleys, to a 1 second sound effect, the variation
is enormous. Here's just a brief overview of what to expect: Full
Production Show Openers and Closers; Songs; Hot Drops & Inserts; Power
Sung Jingles; Year checks and Chart Positions; Dance Drops; Comedy Inserts,
Impressions, and Sketches.
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THE DOGS
40 MINUTES OF BAD TASTE & GOOD FUN, WITH SCRIPTS THAT WOULD BLOW UP
MOST BLEEP MACHINES. TOTALLY UNCENSORED, THIS DISC WILL KEEP CRAZIER AUDIENCES
ENTERTAINED FOR AGES.
OBSCENE SHOW OPENERS & CLOSERS
MALE AND FEMALE P**S TAKES & ONE LINERS
COMEDY SKETCHES
FOOTBALL CHANTS
DRINKERS SECTION
PUB, VENUE & KARAOKE MATERIAL
FATTIES SECTION
BIRTHDAY SONGS
DJ JINGLES
THIS DISC IS OBSCENE, THIS DISC IS THE DOGS !!
WARNING - THIS CD CONTAINS MATERIAL THAT IS OFFENSIVE.
DO NOT READ ON, OR PURCHASE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENED
TRACKLISTING
WARNING
1. YOU ARE PLAYING THE ULTIMATE OBSCENITIES DISC.
SERIOUS WARNING GIVING POTENTIAL LISTENERS THE OPPORTUNITY TO REMOVE THE
CD BEFORE THEY ARE OFFENDED IF THEY HAVE PLAYED IT ACCIDENTALLY. [:57]
START AS YOU MEAN TO CONTINUE
THE OPENERS.
2. A HUMOROUS SHOW OPENER WITH A 2ND VOICE BUTTING IN WITH THE
RUDE WORDS & GETTING MORE FED UP AS IT PROGRESSES.
“WELCOME TO THIS EVENINGS ENTERTAINMENT. PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT
TONIGHT IS AN ADULT SHOW AN WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY CONTAIN STRONG LANGUAGE.
A FEW BOLLOCKS WILL BE DROPPED TONIGHT, THERE IS ALWAYS SOME BASTARDS,
MANY FUCKS, THE ODD SHIT & WHO KNOWS, MAYBE WE'LL HAVE A TWAT
TOO, ALTHOUGH THIS MAY LEAD TO A COUPLE OF ARSE HOLES. IF YOU ARE EASILY
OFFENDED, JUST LEAVE NOW & GO & WATCH THE SHOPPING CHANNEL. OH
FUCK OFF”! [:35]
3.THE SWEARY MARY MONTAGE.
A TRACK SET OVER A 122 BPM BACKING BEAT WITH RUDE SAMPLES & EXCERPTS
DROPPED OVER THE TOP, VERY NOVEL & OFFENSIVE! [1:06]
4.HAVEN'T YOU FIXED IT DJ OPENER?
A SKETCH OF A DJ & HIS BRUMMIE ROADIE ATTEMPTING TO START THEIR SHOW.
A COMICAL SITUATION THAT RINGS TRUE WITH SOME OF THE COWBOYS ON THE CIRCUIT
- EVERY JOCK WILL BE ABLE TO PICTURE THE KINDS OF JOCK WHO THIS IS EMULATING.
[1:52]
5. THE ALL NEW DJ TOSSER.
A COMEDY PATHE' NEWS SKETCH SHOWING UP THE DJ WHO'S ATTITUDE
SHOWS JUST HOW FAR HE HAS HIS HEAD UP HIS ARSE! [:28]
6. STRAIGHT INSERT WITH COWBOY & HORSE! “THERE'S
GONNA BE SOME SHIT PLAYED HERE TONIGHT”. [:07]
RUDE AWAKENINGS - CROWD LIFTERS
7. BIG TIME MACHINE GUN WITH AGGRESSIVE VO GUARANTEED TO WAKE
UP THE SLEEPIEST OF CROWDS.
“WAKE UP YOU FUCKERS”! [:06]
8. DOORBELL SFX INTO NORTHERN FVO IN A LESS AGGRESSIVE RENDITION
OF THE ABOVE.
“WAKE UP YOU FUCKERS!” [:05]
9. BELL & HORNS INTO MALE TANNOY RENDITION OF THE ABOVE.
“WAKE UP YOU WANKERS!” [:09]CRAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
10. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.
POOR OTT CABARET SINGER. A CRAP VERSION OF 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY'
WITH THE LINE 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR?' REPLACED WITH 'GET
PLASTERED YOU BASTARD', FAR MORE APPROPRIATE IN THE RIGHT SITUATION.
[:13]
11. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.
GROUP CHANT, A SMALL SOCCER CROWD STYLE VERSION OF THE ABOVE. [:12]
12. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
A POSH 'NICE' VERSION OF THE ABOVE FVO. [:12]
13. “18 & STILL A VIRGIN, NEVER MIND EH”. 'HAPPY
BIRTHDAY' SUNG RECORD SCRATCH PATRONISING VO. [:08]
14. “21 & STILL A VIRGIN, NEVER MIND EH”. AS ABOVE [:07]
15. “AS IT IS ALWAYS TRADITIONAL AT THESE EVENTS, THE DJ THIS EVENING
MUST FULFIL HIS DUTIES & SLEEP WITH THE BIRTHDAY GIRL. OF COURSE SHE
HAS THE CHOICE OF LAYING DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR OR LEANING
OVER THE BAR, A DECISION SHE HAS TO MAKE ON HER OWN SO PLEASE DON'T
HELP HER. SAFE SEX IS IMPORTANT TONIGHT THOUGH, SO BE SAFE IN THE KNOWLEDGE
THAT A PACKET OF PLASTERS & A BOTTLE OF TCP IS ON STAND BY”.
'THIS IS YOUR LIFE' MUSIC VO. [:43]
16. “ATTENTION PLEASE, ATTENTION PLEASE. AS IT IS TRADITIONAL
AT THESE EVENTS, THE BIRTHDAY BOY CAN CHOSE TO SLEEP WITH ANY WOMAN IN
THE ROOM. YES ANY WOMAN, THAT COULD MEAN YOU GRANDMA, SO HOLD ON TO YOUR
ROCKING CHAIR. PLEASE BE SILENT AS HE SCANS THE ROOM TO SELECT THE LUCKY
LADY HE WILL BE TAKING INTO THE DISABLED TOILET IN JUST A SHORT WHILE”.
PATHE NEWSREEL VO FULL PRODUCTION & AUTHENTIC PATHE NEWS REEL BED
[:28]
NON 'P.C.' FIGHTING CHANTS
17. “YOU'RE GONNA GET YOUR FUCKIN' HEAD KICKED
IN”. GROUP VO [:22]
18. “YOU'RE GOING HOME IN A FUCKIN' AMBULANCE”.
GROUP VO [:20]
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
19. “YOU SAY YOU'VE DRANK ME UNDER THE TABLE, YOU
TALK FUCKIN' SHITE, I'VE SPILT MORE ALE DOWN ME WHISKAS, THAN
YOU'VE SUPPED TONIGHT”. SCOUSE VO [:10]
20. “I AM ABSOLUTELY SHIT FACED”. DRUNK VO SICK & VOMIT
SFX [:10]
21. AN 'OUT OF MY FACE' VO TRYING TO MAKE BELIEVE THAT HE
IS OKAY, HIS GIBBERISH TALKING IS FAR MORE RE-PRESENTATIVE OF HIS REAL
STATE OF MIND.
“I'M NOT OUT OF MY FACE, JUST FUCK OFF”. [:13]
22.BANNED FOR DANCING AROUND GUINNESS.
GUAGLIONE INTO RECORD STOP INTO A MVO EXPLAINING THAT ANYONE DANCING AROUND
A PINT OF GUINNESS WILL BE BANNED! IT WAS FUNNY ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO (FOR
ABOUT 5 MINUTES!) SO SHOW THESE TOSSERS UP! [:15]
THE PLAIN ENGLISH SOCIETY STRAIGHT TALKING
23. “I WOULDN'T SAY THEIR BREATH WAS BAD, BUT THEY
COULD KNOCK A FLY OFF A BUCKET OF SHIT FROM 6FT”.MVO 'FUCKINGHELL'
OUTRO [:09]
24. “IT'S GOOD TO SHUT THE FUCK UP”!
RABBIT BY CHAS & DAVE BT STYLE VO [:09]
25. “PLEASE WILL YOU KINDLY PISS OFF?”FVO [:03]
26. “KISS MY ARSE - MOTHERFUCKER”!
AGGRESSIVE MVO LIPSMACKING KISS AT END [:05]
27.”YOU'RE SHIT, AARRGGHH.”SOCCER CHANT [:06]
28. “YOU'RE SHIT, AARRGGHH.” SOCCER CHANT POSH VO [:06]
29. “BOLLOCKS TO THE LOT OF YOU”.
AGGRESSIVE DUAL VO DRY [:13]
LADIES IN THE HOUSE
30. “HOW CAN I SAY I LOVE YOU?”
AGGRESSIVE DUAL VO DRY [:10]
31.”SLAPPER”.CLAPPING SMALL CROWD VO [:07]
32. A MOCK OF BOOM, BOOM, BOOM WITH A SMALL CROWD GETTING MUFFLED AS IF
SOMEONE HAS INDEED 'PUT THEIR ASS ON THEIR FACE! FOLLOWED BY A MVO
EXPRESSING HIS DISGUST AT THE TASTE OF THE SAID WOMAN!!!!
“BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, LET ME HEAR YOU SAY WAYO...WAYO”. [:24]
33. “SPOT THE GIRLS WHO ARE FEELING COLD TONIGHT”. MVO INTO
A SHIVER SFX [:07]
34. A SHORT SKETCH BASED AROUND A WOMAN'S EXAMINATION OF A MAN'S
FLYHOLE!
“NO EVIDENCE OF A HARD ON WHATSOEVER”. [:15]
35. “DO YOU LIKE JEWELLERY? SUCK THIS IT'S A GEM”. VO
[:04]
36. “DO YOU LIKE BEEF? SUCK THIS IT'S DRIPPING”. VO
SFX [:05]
37. “DO YOU LIKE CHICKEN? SUCK THIS IT'S FOUL.” VO SFX
[:05]
38. THE MOST COMPLETE PUT DOWN OF A WOMAN! A CONSTANT STREAM OF ABUSE
WHICH ENDS NICELY WITH 'OH & BY THE WAY...YOU SMELL'!
“YOU HESSIAN PANTED, FLAT CHESTED...... NATIONAL HEALTH SPECCY4
EYED SLAG!” [:22]
39. “GET YOUR TITS OUT FOR THE LADS”.
A SMALL GROUP MVO A CAPELLA CHANT 105 BPM PERFECT LAYERING OVER 'OOPS
UPSIDE YOUR HEAD' [:18]
GUYS IN THE HOUSE
40. “WELL TO BE HONEST, I THINK YOU'RE A BIT OF
A WANKER”. CLASSIC LOVE SONG FVO [:18]
41. “IF YOUR PRICK WAS AS BIG AS YOUR MOUTH THEN YOU MIGHT BE USEFUL”.
ZIPPER SFX FVO [:06]
42. “YOU'RE JUST A FUCKIN' WANKER”.
SMALL CROWD SOCCER STYLE CHANT [:17]
43. “BRING ME ANOTHER LITTLE BOY, THIS ONE'S SPLIT”!SCREAM
SFX PERI MVO [:08]
44.”WANKER, WANKER, WANKER, WANKER”. FVO SMALL CROWD SOCCER
CHANT [:05]
45.FULL FEMALE PUT DOWN SKETCH OF THE NIGHT-CLUB POSER WHO THINKS THAT
HE IS GODS GIFT TO WOMEN.
“LOOK OUT LADIES, HERE COMES THE DRUNKEN WANKER”. [:55]
46. “MY GOD, YOU'VE GOT A CHEESY KNOB”! ZIPPER SFX SLURPY
SFX ASTONISHED FVO [:11]
47.”COCKSUCKER”! AGGRESSIVE FVO [:02]
WEIGHT WATCHERS - NOT!
48. “YOU FAT BASTARD”. 4 FVO [:06]
49. “YOU FAT BASTARD”. SMALL CROWD SOCCER CHANT [:12]
50. “YOU FAT BASTARD”. 4 FVO SMALL CROWD SOCCER CHANT [:19]
51. “FAT BASTARD”. SMALL CROWD SOCCER CHANT [:15]
52. “WHO ATE ALL THE PIES?” SMALL CROWD SOCCER CHANT [:08]
53. “HE'S FAT, HE'S ROUND, HE'S FALLEN ON THE
GROUND .. FAT BASTARD, FAT BASTARD”. SMALL CROWD SOCCER CHANT [:13]
54. “SUMO, SUMO”. SMALL CROWD SOCCER CHANT [:11]
DODGY DJ LINKS
55. “TOILET CLASSICS, SHIT AFTER SHIT”. TOILET FLUSHING
SFX ECHO MVO [:17]
56. “WELL THAT WAS BOLLOX & THIS IS SHIT”. MVO SMALL CROWD
SFX [:09]
57. “TONIGHT'S SMOKE FLUID IS MINGE, THAT'S MINGE”.
SMOKE MACHINE SFX MVO 2ND VO OUTRO [:09]
58. “WHO IS PLAYING THIS CRAP”! MACHINE GUN SFX PISSED OFF
MVO[:06]
59. “IT'S TIME TO LOOK LIKE A WANKER AS WE HEAD INTO THE PARTY
SET”.PATHE' NEWSREEL STYLE [:10]
60. ROMANTIC BACKING TO MVO INTERRUPTED BY A 2ND MALE WANTING 'TITS
OOOOT'!
“IT'S TIME TO SLOW THINGS DOWN ..... TITS OOOOT.” [:12]
61. “DANCE NOW YOU FUCKIN' WANKERS”.
SAMPLED PITCHED DOWN AGGRESSIVE MVO [:07]
62. “DANCE YOUR ASS OFF”. RUDE DANCE FVO [:02]
63.”DON'T STOP FUCKING THAT BEAT”.RUDE DANCE INSERT
FVO STEREO LOOPING [:06]
64. “CRANKING UP THE MUSIC POWER ,I'VE GOTTA HAVE A SHIT NOW”.
FARTING SHIT SFX MVO [:11]
NON-BROADCAST RADIO LINKS
65. “MASOCHISTIC RADIO, TUNE IT IN, & RIP YOUR KNOB
OFF”. FVO SCREAM SFX (HONEST!!!) [:07]
66. “1 FM, 1 FAT MOTHER MORE LIKE”! MVO PISS TAKE OUTRO [:08]
67. THE WEATHER NEWS
FULL PRODUCED SKETCH WITH MVO ADVISING THAT IT MAY BE BETTER TO STAY IN
& SHAG! [:33]
68. “WE PLAY MORE SHIT THAN RADIO1”. MVO [:07]
DJ'S WITH ATTITUDE
69.”MADE YOU FUCKING LISTEN DIDN'T IT?” 1 KHZ TONE MVO
[:09]
70.”MADE YOU FUCKING LISTEN DIDN'T IT?” A SOAP THEME
FVO [:08]
71. “MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE”! DISTORTED GUITAR AGGRESSIVE
MVO [:10]
72. 2 WAY CONVERSATION BETWEEN A SHOUT FROM THE CROWD & THE DJ.
“YES, I DO CALL MYSELF A DJ ACTUALLY, YOU FUCKING PISSED UP EXCUSE
FOR A PUNTER”. [:16]
73. “FUCK OFF, I'M MIXING”. TELEPHONE RING SFX MVO [:04]
74. “NO I HAVEN'T GOT ANY FUCKING JUNGLE”! TARZAN CALL
SFX MVO [:05]
75. “NO I WON'T FUCKING PLAY JUST 1 MORE”. CARTOON VO
MVO [:08]
KILL THE KARAOKE
76. A MVO ANNOUNCING HOW SAD THE CROWD ARE FOR COMING TO THE
KARAOKE.
“YOU COULDN'T STOMACH THIS ROW SOBER....” [:28]
77. “LADIES & GENTLEMEN PLEASE WELCOME THE NEXT SAD OLD BASTARD
WHO THINKS HE'S ELVIS FUCKING PRESLEY”. BIG FANFARED INTRO
MVO [:22]
78. “OH YES, PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THAT WONDERFUL PERFORMANCE..THAT
ERM..WELL, IT WAS OK? ER..ER..AVERAGE..ALRIGHT OK, IT WAS CRAP! IT WAS
BLOODY CRAP”! SMALL CROWD CLAPPING MVO [:17]
79. HOWLING WOLVES OUTRO
SMALL CROWD HOWLING. [:11]
CROWD CHANTS
80. “WHY WAS HE BORN SO BEAUTIFUL, WHY WAS HE BORN AT
ALL. HE'S NOT FUCKIN' USE TO ANYONE, HE'S NO FUCKIN'
USE AT ALL”. SMALL CROWD SOCCER CHANT [:11]
81. “WHY WAS SHE BORN SO BEAUTIFUL, WHY WAS SHE BORN AT ALL. SHE'S
NOT FUCKIN' USE TO ANYONE, SHE'S NO FUCKIN' USE AT ALL”.
SMALL CROWD SOCCER CHANT [:11]
82. “WHO THE FUCKIN' HELL ARE YOU?” SMALL CROWD SOCCER
CHANT [:14]
83. “WHAT A LOAD OF BOLLOCKS”. SMALL CROWD SOCCER CHANT [:11]
THE ROVERS VS. THE QUEEN VIC PUB NIGHTS
84. “THIS PUB IS THE DOGS BOLLOCKS”. DRY MVO [:04]
85. “THE LANDLORD WOULD LIKE ME TO POINT OUT THAT THE RUMOURS ABOUT
THE BEER ARE NOT TRUE. THEY ARE UNFOUNDED & SHOULD BE IGNORED IF THEY
ARE PASSED ON TO YOU BY OTHERS. WE WILL SAY IT AGAIN, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY
NO PHYSICAL PLUMBING CONNECTION BETWEEN THE URINALS IN THE GENTS TOILETS
& THE BEER PUMPS. LET'S HOPE THAT'S AN END TO IT”!
DRY MVO [:17]
86. “ON BEHALF OF ALL CUSTOMERS HERE THIS EVENING, WE WOULD LIKE
TO SAY TO THE LANDLORD: 'THE BEER TASTES LIKE GNATS PISS.'”
DRY MVO SMALL CROWD SHOUT [:06]
87. “THE LOCAL BIKES IN TONIGHT LADS. IF THERE IS A POSSIBILITY
THAT ANYONE HERE HASN'T HAD A RIDE YET, PLEASE LET THE BARSTAFF
KNOW. ANYONE ELSE WHO WOULD LIKE A SECOND GO, WELL YOU'RE ONE SAD
BASTARD”. SFX BELL SFX STEREO HORSE MVO [:18]
88. “LAST ORDERS AT THE SHAG BAR, LAST ORDERS PLEASE”.BUGLE
INTRO FVO SMOOCHY CLASSIC [:09]
89. NORTHERN VO WITH A FULL SPEECH ABOUT HOW CRAP THE DRINKING HOURS ARE
IN ENGLAND!
“I CANNA BELIEVE IT. THIS FUCKIN' COUNTRY. 10 TO 11 &
THEY CALL LAST ORDERS”. [:40]
SPORTSMAN OF THE YEAR - SPORTING AWARDS
90. FULL PRODUCTION SKETCH BASED AROUND THE AWARDS CEREMONY
FOR THE TEAM WHO'VE WON ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! “LADIES &
GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR THE ANNUAL AWARDS CEREMONY”. [1:27]
91. “THE REFEREES A WANKER.” SMALL CROWD SOCCER CHANT [:13]
92. “GOING DOWN, GOING DOWN”. SMALL CROWD SOCCER CHANT [:14]
93.”CHEERIO”. SMALL CROWD SOCCER CHANT [:13]
94. “CELERY, CELERY, IF SHE DON'T COME I'LL TICKLE HER
BUM WITH A LUMP OF CELERY”. SMALL CROWD SOCCER CHANT [:15]
95. “CAN YOU HEAR THE OTHER SIDE SING? NO, NO”. SMALL CROWD
SOCCER CHANT [:15]
96. “WHO'S THE WANKER, WHO'S THE WANKER, WHO'S
THE WANKER IN THE BLACK?” SMALL CROWD SOCCER CHANT [:10]
HOW DID WE EVER GET THIS FAR THE CLOSERS
97. BOOS & ABUSIVE DISAPPROVALS. SMALL CROWD WHO WERE NOT
IMPRESSED! [:18]
98. SUNG RENDITION OF 'GOODBYEE' INTO A MVO LETTING THE AUDIENCE
KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HE REALLY THOUGHT OF THEM. MANY A TRUE WORD IS SPOKEN
IN JEST!
“YOU WERE A WONDERFUL CROWD, BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE”. [1:02]
99. A CLASSIC SHOW CLOSER WHEN PEOPLE JUST WILL NOT LEAVE - BASED AROUND
THE CLASSIC 'SOAP' MUSIC.
“I AM READY TO GO HOME NOW. I CAN NOT GO HOME UNTIL YOU HAVE LEFT.
FUCK OFF NOW... PLEASE”. [:48]
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